Deep Waters of Confusion

You would think after having been a parent for over six years, and also having the circus act of friends I have, that nothing would surprise me. Day after day, though, I am confronted with mental hurdles barring me from even basic understanding.

Today I showed up at summer camp to pick up our girls Lorelei (6) and Rachel (4), and made a point of walking in with a big smile on my face. I knew the girls would be disappointed their mother was having dinner with a friend, and I wanted to seize this opportunity for dad to gain some cool points.

When I walk in, Rachel is seated near the front of the gym wearing a logo camp shirt rather than the one she wore this morning. I know kids have accidents all the time, especially 4 year old kids, from spilling drinks to smearing paint (this kid only two weeks ago shoved a bead up her nose at craft time) so the costume change in itself was not terribly surprising. The rest, though…

Me: “What happened to your shirt from this morning?”
Rachel: “It got wet.”
Me: “How did it get wet?”
Rachel: “I put it in the toilet.”
Me: “What? Why?”
Rachel: “Lorelei told me to.”
Me: “Wait, what? “(I turned to Lorelei, who literally appeared out of nowhere) “Did you tell her to put her shirt in the toilet?”
Lorelei: “Yes.”
Me: “Just yes? What are you, a dumb ass? Why did you do that?”
Lorelei: “I don't know.”
Me: (turning back to Rachel) “And why did you listen to her?”
Rachel: “I don't know.”

And there we were three people standing there who did not understand why the shirt got put in the toilet.

Now, what I would like to have said to them:

“Lorelei, what the hell is wrong with you? Why would you ever tell anyone to put their shirt, or anything, in the toilet? Do clothes go in a public toilet, or any toilet for that matter? Let me answer that for you. No, they don’t. And you, Rachel, what the fuck man? She tells you to shove your shirt in the toilet, and you do it? What do you have rattling around in your head? It sure ain’t a brain.”

What I actually said:

I said nothing to Rachel, I just shook my head. When Shawn got home she laid out the old, “If someone told you to jump off a bridge” rationale. But let’s face it, reader, you and I know both know unless things change Rachel’s taking a header off that bridge.

To Lorelei, I said, “I’m very disappointed. Taking advantage of or hurting someone who is smaller or weaker is one of the worst things you can do. (pause) Unless it is a matter of foreign policy and secures our position in an unstable region, locks up a scarce resource, or allows a series of under experienced presidents to flex their command authority at the expense of American lives. Then, evidently, it is acceptable. But, for the record, I was not on board with any of that, and if those decisions were made in this house, none of those things would have happened.”

There just really are so many reasons I am not meant to be a parent.